i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
please come you make the beer taste better
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
