We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
