I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
