i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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