First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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