Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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