I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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