do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
