I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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