Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
my liver is dry heaving
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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