Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
