i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
