just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
