I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize