I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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