How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
