do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
