The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
