just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I need to align my fucking chakras
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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