Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you didnt know i had herpes?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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