I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
