And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
