I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
