If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
