just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
