I just threw up on my dentist
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
