I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
