you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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