my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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