I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I enjoy the company of your penis
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