no, he came in my armpit
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
