Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
