i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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