What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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