Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
