Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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