Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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