So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
