She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
