She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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