I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
