I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
