I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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