Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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