dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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