how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Houston, we have a blender
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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