im about as happy as oj after his trial
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
