3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
