Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
