I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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