U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
