Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
