I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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