I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
