We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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