I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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